Putting a politician of a different party into office usually affects the government about as much as switching to a different forecaster alters the weather report.

Over the last 51 years in the newspaper business, I’ve clipped at least a thousand quips, quotes, jokes, witticisms, wisecracks and observations from various publications. Here’s a sample of my collection.

If you lend someone $20 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

The antique lover in years to come will be faced with determining what is real plastic and what is a cheap imitation.

You have to be my age to remember back when you could buy a hamburger for a nickel…if you had one!

It’s a serious case of insomnia if you can’t go to sleep after the alarm goes off.

Letting the kids play in the attic is dangerous if your mother saved report cards and you saved your wife’s love letters.

The trouble with bagging your own groceries is that you can’t blame someone else for putting all the heavy things in the same bag.

The best salesman in the world is a puppy selling himself to a small boy.

Quoting the mayor of Washington, D.C.: “We are planning a new jail soon, and we expect to be in it before the end of our term.”

IRS auditor to a nervous citizen: “Let’s begin with where you claim depreciation on your wife.”

Prayer should be the key of the morning and the lock of the night.

The reason there were fewer traffic accidents in the old horse and buggy days is that the driver didn’t depend wholly on his own intelligence.

It’s only natural that student revolt should spread to high schools. After all, we wouldn’t want our kids to enter college unprepared.

Can you imagine anyone as unhappy as a woman with a juicy secret and a dead telephone?

What this world needs more than a self-cleaning oven is a self-cleaning toilet.

How come the months go by so much more slowly when you’re awaiting Social Security checks than when you were making house payments?

Don’t talk about the hardships of pioneer travel to anyone who ever drove across the country with five kids and a car-sick dog.

For conflict of interest, it’s darned near impossible to top a “Buy American” bumper sticker on an imported car.

While an honest effort is apparently being made to bring it about, junk mail will never be totally replaced by spam/robo telephone calls.

The homemaker who slaved over a hot stove all day now has children who gripe about the limitations of the microwave.

Few things are more irritating than a car that won’t start on your day off.

One of the more despicable forms of unsportsmanlike conduct is sneaking facts into an argument.

It might be helpful to know how garden pests get their offspring to eat vegetables.

The guy who worked long hours in front of a blast furnace now has offspring concerned about the hazards of sitting too close to a computer screen.

What’s more irritating than waiting 30 minutes for an appointment that would have been canceled had you been five minutes late?

Where along the line was it that back talk became known as acceptable communication?

It is now considered the height of deprivation to go without something you can’t afford.

You can only speculate on how much trouble young people would get into if they didn’t dance six feet apart.